When Marshall Rosenberg developed Nonviolent Communication, he might not have imagined how we mundane beings might put it to practice. I shudder to think of how his three principles of empathy, self-empathy and honest self-expression work these days. Imagine what happens when every one of us propagates ‘honest self-expression’ and mouths whatever we feel honestly to the whole wide world. Every time the wife looks at the mirror and turns around with that prodding on how her beauty has enhanced, the husband voicing his ‘honest self-expression’ would find his voice box plucked and discarded in the dust bin.
Self-empathy did you say, Marshall? When that obviously states putting oneself in other’s shoes, our wedding halls and prayer halls have literally these empathetic souls who rob us of our shoes – the newer, the better. Self- empathy is what we imagine as self-pity where we dig a hole and stay there wallowing, worse than a hibernating country mouse. Speak of empathy that translates to understanding and caring, we do care. We care about all things monetary and understand how to survive the rat race. All things material matter to us, all that should matter like other people’s lives go down the drain. We can be empathetic– so much that 452 cars and 300 trucks can cross a dying man on road, without even a slightest brake. Our already squeaking brake-pads matter more to us than the poor guy on the road. After all it is his karma that has come to claim.
We keep making excuses that beat the length of our grocery bills. “What will the police ask?”, “What if he dies on the way?”, “What if he is already mugged?”, “What about my meeting?”, “What about my car backseat?” and above all, “Why should I, when everyone moves away?” As the proverbial sheep that follow the herd, we keep moving.
Needs are never in conflict, courtesy, nonviolent communication. Try feeding chicken biryani to the lost soul of a three-month-old baby, but beforehand arm yourself with protection shield to avoid the ‘puke’lear bomb! Do the needs vary? So long as it is not ice-cream and chocolates, I do agree. At forty, I would give away the whole wide world for my cup of vanilla ice-cream. I was ‘chocolate-toothed’ when I was six, am so at 40 and you can bet I shall be the same when I hit 80. There was a person by name ‘Maslow’ who propagated a theory of needs. I still shudder at his accuracy when he places basic needs at the lowest of his pyramid model. Non-violence is our social need and naan-violence is our basic need. Food always forms our ‘lowest’ need! By the time I had come to memorise the list of ‘self-actualisation needs’, I felt a big void. Why do we always miss that bus?
Why ever did communication got violent? Habits of thinking and speaking that lead to the use of violence are learned through culture. Ah! Now we are talking. Our culture is influenced by Gandhi on one side and Gangs of Wasseypur on the other. We still are a confused lot when it comes to deciphering our speaking and thinking. To us, they both are two different channels of communication. We think like complete morons and speak our words that drip with honey. When I say to my neighbour that her ‘sari is so beautiful’, all I am imagining is tearing it to shreds with my brand new scissors, or better still, testing my toilet acid on the silver zari.
So the big question is, are we ready for Nonviolent Communication? Yes, we are – so long as the world is flat and the sun rises in the West. As a society we need to really ‘listen’ and ‘feel. If Gandhi were here today, he would have shook his head and wished he was still the barrister in Africa, not fasting for the sake of We the people to understand naan-violence, oops…non-violence.
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Nivedita Louis
Nivedita Louis is a writer, blogger and social activist by choice. Bitten by the travel bug, and smitten by nature, she loves travelling and cooking. She blogs at www.cloudninetalks.blogspot.com. [/column]